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Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed
obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at
the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following
Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke
up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it on
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed
obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at
the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following
Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke
up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it on
Kids and the Bible
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed
and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she
asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And
then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do
this four times. "Now," said the teacher," can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water
over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Johnny interrupted, "My Mom looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she
turned into a telephone pole!
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told
us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he
used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked."
Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible;
Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he
just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was real nervous. When it was his turn,
he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed
and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she
asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And
then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do
this four times. "Now," said the teacher," can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water
over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Johnny interrupted, "My Mom looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she
turned into a telephone pole!
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told
us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he
used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked."
Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible;
Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he
just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was real nervous. When it was his turn,
he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
Paper-Eating Dog
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his
sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my
sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with
the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
Lying is a Sin
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to
know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Nuns at the Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health
insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who
brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old
one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians: We choose not to make
a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for
the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light
bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his
sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my
sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with
the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
Lying is a Sin
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to
know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Nuns at the Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health
insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who
brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old
one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians: We choose not to make
a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for
the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light
bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
Eino, a Finnlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was
born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden
to eat meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally mentioned it to their priest. The priest went to visit Eino, and
suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass,
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a
Lutheran, but now you are Catholic." Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved -- until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately
by the neighbors. As he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he
stopped in amazement and watched ...There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, "You were born a deer and raised a deer, but
now you are a walleye."
born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden
to eat meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally mentioned it to their priest. The priest went to visit Eino, and
suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass,
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a
Lutheran, but now you are Catholic." Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved -- until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately
by the neighbors. As he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he
stopped in amazement and watched ...There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, "You were born a deer and raised a deer, but
now you are a walleye."
Kids in Church
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mothers name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I
wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up
to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ! 'Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull
lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mothers name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I
wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up
to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ! 'Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull
lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
Do you know your hymns?
Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn.....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn..........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn............. There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn......................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn...................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn..................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45 mph........................................God Will Take Care of You
65 mph........................................Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph........................................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph........................................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100 mph......................................Precious Memories
Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn.....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn..........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn............. There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn......................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn...................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn..................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45 mph........................................God Will Take Care of You
65 mph........................................Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph........................................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph........................................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100 mph......................................Precious Memories